The Invisible Web

Your Trip Into the Chapel Perilous

Ultimate Fighting Championships 91- Couture vs Lesnar Play By Play

Posted by invizweb on November 15, 2008

1) Opening Match: Demian Maia vs Nate Quarry (Middlweight Bout)

Interesting. Maia with Wanderlei Silva trains at Xtreme Couture whereas Quarry used to be a protege of Couture, currently with Randy’s former training camp, Nate Quarry. Nate is entering to hip hop music. Never has a man as white (and vanilla) as Quarry attempted such a feat. FAILURE~!

Round One: Ariany is the ring girl for the opening match. Herb Dean is ref. Maia (whose surname comes from the ancient Greek Goddess of the Spring), clinches Quarry, pulls Guard, and gets a Body Triangle from the Back Mount. It looks tight but not backbreackingly brutal. Maia gets a Rear Naked Choke (might as well have humbled him while he was Naked).

Winner: Demian Maia (via R1 Submission – RNC) Nate Quarry

Randy Couture enters the building with wife Kim while SABLE is absent from entering with her significant other, Brock Lesnar. I seriously think a Lesnar victory would be the defeat (and/or shame) of the human race.

2) Second Match: Gabriel Gonzaga vs Josh Hendricks (Heavyweight Bout)

I still don’t feel pumped for the show. Hell I am visiting Newsarama. Not to seem ignorant but is it me or does Napao look like a bigger Shogun Rua? UFC’s tedious intros really need revamping. Now checking Technoccult and Disinfo.

Round One: Steve Mazagatti is ref. Josh starts with a Plum Clinch Knee to the head. Napao gets the Front Headlock and hits a Knee and then an Elbow. Napao hits a Right Straight and kills Hendricks.

Winner: Gabriel Gonzaga (via R1 TKO – Punch) Josh Hendricks

Postfight, Georges St. Pierre is shown in a swank suit. In previewing the Main Event, they described Brock as the former WWE superstar. Wow, this show is jingoistic. They did some sort of fluff commercial for “the troops.” That said, I support the financial and educational compensation of veterans and spreading resources (food, shelter, and defensive armaments) to US soldiers. However, I shall not welcome Army and CIA recruitment commercials for children and teen’s television programs.

3) Pretaped: Matt Brown vs Ryan Thomas (Welterweight Bout)

Round One: Its the battle of generic White men. The guy in White trunks was slugging from the top of the Guard. White board shorts now has the Double Underhooks. I think Joerogan (as Dave Chappelle called him) called White Pants Matt Brown. In the Guard, black pants got the aggressor into a Triangle Choke to an armbar to another Triangle . I think black pants with condom ads on his ass got a Headlock Takedown. OK he attempts a Guillotine Choke now.

Round Two: Condom Pants attempted an Armbar only to get Cradle Powerbomb(ed) twice before locking it in tight. Oh Condom Pants’ secret identity is Matt Brown.

Winner: Matt Brown (via R2 Submission – Armbar) Ryan Thomas

And with that the video and sound quality improves dramatically. At 10:54 on WikiPedia, someone named “Jessie” claim to KO both Lesnar and Couture in the 18th Round. Hey kid, if you find me an original Hyborian copy of the Necronomicon, I might help make it happen.

4) Third Live Match: Dustin Hazelett vs Tamdan McCory (Welterweight Bout)

Round One: Dustin in red and silver shorts attempts to stand and trade with McCory but Dustin’s strikes use too much wasted motion had he keeps getting unbalanced. Tamdan attempts to take him down and Dustin pulls Rubber Guard. He eventually gets him with a modded Armbar from the OmoPlata position when Tamdan attempted to turn on his shoudlers.

Winner: Dustin Hazelett (via R1 Submission – Armbar) Tamdan McCory

Hold on I am having connection issues that are giving my tying issues.

And I miss the next fight checking my connection.

5) Pretaped Fight: Jeremy Stevens vs Rafael Dos Anjos (Lightweight Bout)

Round Three: What a fucking vicious uppercut.

Winner: Jeremy Stevens (via R3 KO – Uppercut) Rafael Dos Anjos

Postmatch, Wanderlei Silva waves at the crowd when they are live again. Joeroggan interviews 50 Cent about a prediction of the main event. What the fucking hell would Hunter S. Thompson think about the host of Fear Factor co hosting what might be the first Ali-Frasier of the 21st Century. I also want to find what he wrote about the overcommercialization of rap. Oh wowees. I never noticed how their lighting setup looks exactly like TNA Wrestling’s. Not good.

6) Co-Main Event: Kenny Florian vs Joe Stevenson

Prefight interview has Stevenson acting like a freakin geek talking about online MMA forums. Joe, don’t bother; its filled with trolls with IQs under 36. Meanwhile, Kenny looks like Steve Carell. It takes 2 minutes for Buffer to read off all the sponsors.

Round One: Joe wears red, white, and black shorts. Kenny wears blue and white beach shorts. Herb Dean es el jefe por la lucha, Kenny hit a glancing High Roundhouse and a Jumping Knee. Joe rushes him to the fence and aims for a Single Leg Takedown. Stevenson then goes for a High Double but Kenny counters with a Fence Grab. I still do not understand the illegality since you can pin someone to the cage and hit them. KenFlo hit a solid Side Suplex. He passes Guard and goes to Mount Stevenson and then gets Back Mount as Joe tries to roll out. REAR NAKED CHOKE for Florian. Maybe if Stevenson stopped going to unreliable forums and instead visited the Canvas Chronicle for apt analysis this would not have happened.

Winner: Kenny Florian (via R1 Submission – Rear Naked Choke) Joe Stevenson

Kenny postfight said he wanted the BJ belt er BJ’s belt (come on, BJ Penn should really expect that way miore often). He said, “Its time to Kill the Master~!”

7) Main Event: Brock Lesnar vs Randy “the Natural” Couture (UFC World Heavyweight Title Bout)

I predict Randy will hurl Borck in the air with an F5, and then leap 23 feet in the air and crush him with athe 45-Year-Old Shooting Star Press. Lesnar is coming out to “Enter Sandman.” Will James Fullington be in his corner? I hear Shane McMahon is in the building. Couture just pointed to the sky like Sabu. So is this a continuation of the Sandman vs Sabu? I wonder if Shane is the only McMahon that showed up on this night.

Round One: 91,000 buys? I dunno. Could they not shell Michael Buffer for this? Mario Yamazaki is the ref. Cecil Peoples, Jeff Mullens, are among the judges. By the way I decided I dub Borck Bif from now on. Couture seems to have aged during the 52 weeks. Biff still kinda looks like a screwy NAZI eugenics experiment. Randy immediately charges for Dirty Boxing mode. They are clinching. Both men are kneeing each other in the thighs while clinched. Randy hit Biff with a hard shot. Almost lands an Uppercut. Biff shoots for a Single and pins Randy to the cage.

Round Two: Brock decks Randy with a Right and starts hitting him while he’s on the ground. It’s over? Sarah Palin’s favorite son won? I thought OBAMA promised change. Thank goodness a friend paid for this instead.

Winner: Brock Lesnar (via R2 TKO – Pounding Ground or whatever Cole calls it) Randy Couture

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