CELINE’S LAWS

by Hagbard Celine (for Black Crayon)

As every thinking person has noticed, our national life has become increasingly weird and surrealistic. The waiting lines at banks and post offices are growing longer all the time, even though demographers tell us US population is no longer rising. The street signs more often than not say WALK on the red and DON’T WALK on the green. You can’t get a plumber on the weekends. Nobody has been able to explain the cattle mutilations yet. Every survey shows that the price of consumer goods, the number of violent crimes, and the eerie popularity of THE GONG SHOW are ominously accelerating.

I believe I have found the explanation these distressing trends. Needless to say, I cannot present, in a short article, all the evidence which I have accumulated in three decades of careful metasociological research; that will have to await the publication of my three-volume study, “Why Everybody Is Going Bonkers.” Here I can only mention the thousands of depth interviews, the innumerable flowcharts and helix-matrix equations, the vast files of computer readouts, the I CHING divinations, and other rigorous scientific techniques used in developing what I modestly call Celine’s Laws of Chaos, Discord and Confusion.

Celine’s First Law is that National Security is the chief cause of national insecurity!

That may sound like a paradox, but I will explain it at once.

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